Monday, May 22, 2017

10 Pippa Middleton Fashion Fails

While the Duchess of Cambridge is revered for her simple, classic and chic styles that have an air of youthfulness tucked into a labyrinth of formality, Pippa Middleton is decidedly the younger, preppier and sporty of the two lithe brunette sisters. A lover of loafers, stripes and scarves, this English beauty adores simple clothes that scream J. Crew catalog. While this author, socialite and newlywed, might love her nautical minded styles and her sweater sets, she doesn't have the flair for fashion that would catapult her into the worlds of Beckham, Beyonce or Blake. Sure, she tries to mix and match, pulls out her beloved tights and waltzes around with her low espadrilles convinced of her style superpowers, all the while, she looks a bit old fashioned and mumsy. While we can undoubtedly appreciate any sartorial efforts, Pippa still lacks that modern fashion gene. Case in point...

Here are 10 Pippa Middleton Fashion Fails:

1. Prom 2.0
She's shiny, sheeny and satin. Oh, my. The scary thing about this outfit is that it was a look Pippa wore for her promotional book tour--which was published in 2012 (Only a few years ago. Gasp!). A late twenty-something Middlteon decided this purple prom dress would be a good choice for showcasing her guru-ness in the world of entertaining and party planning. Instead, it showcased how a berry colored dress with a peplum side ruffle and dark purple pumps is an insane choice for any occasion except an 80s themed dance party.




2. Waist of Time
With tons and tons of money to spend on clothes, designers at your disposal and stylists begging for a chance to become your BFF, you'd think you would score a fashion home run at almost every occasion. Not for poor Pippa. A metallic high waisted skirt and stuffy blouse was her ensemble of choice for a jewelry presentation. And the navy tights and old lady shoes send this outfit soaring into sad territory. While the new Mrs. Matthews resembles a Renaissance Festival wench, at least her hair looks shiny and bouncy.



3. Shake Your Tailfeather
Nothing says young socialite spitfire more than a peacock flapper dress. A trapeze dress with attitude and lots of bird carnage, this blue and peach ensemble is perfect for snagging on every punch bowl table and getting caught on poor waiters trying to serve shrimp without being accosted by feathers. This look is for the birds.



4. Moscow Mule
She may not be a princess but she has a huge collection of stockings and garish hats! So there Cate! Covering her gleaming tresses with an Ushanka, Pippa strolled along with a banana colored peacoat and a wicked glossy hard tortoise shelled clutch that could store cigars or miscellaneous lip glosses. From Russia with love, or hate, it could go either way. 



5. Print-cess
Pippa most often chooses monochromatic looks and Easter shades for her daily walks to work and for all those high society functions--BTW does she walk to work?? OK, for her daily walks to grab a green juice. Pippa rarely wears busy prints or patterns but when she does--it's an unholy trainwreck. Another satin dress with a black doily print is either a clue that she's been beaten by the Queen and gone insane or another indicator she only dresses in the dark. Hmmm...



6. Bridesmaid Shame
Maybe she was having problems with her contacts. She couldn't see the yellow one shoulder ruffle monstrosity that she was wearing. Sure, that's it, a problem to be sorted by an optometrist. In no way would Pippa have chosen this sad, ruffled 80s throwback for an elegant modern affair of her own volition. And the sheer pantyhose give me all the tears.



7. The Age of Pollock 
Why British women have to wear those mini-decorative caps is beyond me. Also, how many hours does it take to pin those things on properly? Here, Pippa showcases a love affair with splatter paint and peplum bodycon dresses. While this 31-year-old surely has the body to showcase a fitted style, did her niece and nephew spill paint on this thing or what?


8. Tribe Vibe
Well it's refreshing to see Pippa in pants, it's not an especially happy time due to the crazy nature of these palazzo-harem pants that are too graphic, too tribal and too African safari gift shop. While the blazer isn't a humdinger and the pendant necklace is just fine, the rest of the outfit belongs to some historical society. 



9. Rock City
A farmer and rocker chick and prep school sweetheart walk into a bar...Pippa embraces all these looks singlehandedly in one atrocious urban streetwear moment. The plaid shirt looks like a walk of shame leftover, while the blazer seems reserved for an intense job interview and the pink Gwen Stefani pink neon jeans are all about the Saved by the Bell era. Kelly Kapowski called and she wants her jeans back. 



10. Good Will Hunting
A tweed-wool army green coat pairs perfectly with a busy silk grandma scarf and a plaid shirt, right? For a trip down the sidewalk Pippa decided to break out her beloved checked men's shirt and add a little spice with a bowler bag, Timberland-like hiking wedges and a pair of light wash skinny jeans. Proof once again, Pippa's fashion chops are lacking. At least she still has the world's most desirable derriere next to JLo. 



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