Saturday, February 11, 2017

14 Reasons Why I Should Not Try Parenting

This article is in no way meant to degrade or diminish any of the superhero-esque, Herculean efforts of parents everywhere. In fact, I'm so in bewildered awe of their patience, persistence and peacefulness in the eye of continuous s*it storms, that I render myself totally incompetent on their playing field.

Here are 14 good reasons I should never attempt to play ball...with little kids or produce them:

1.) Chores, Chores, Chores
I spend a fair amount of my current week doing menial chores--multiple dish loads, folding laundry, putting away clothes and cleaning my bathroom. If I add another human being to the equation, I imagine I will double my chore load and may even add more to the plate--i.e. making school lunches, commuting and bathing my new shiny offspring.

2.) It Takes a Village of Grandparents
Most of my friend rely on their parents as perma-babysitters. Without their help, they would be drowning and paying $1500 per kid for daycare a month. I have a full-time working mother who can't devote her days to tantrums, teething and tinkle clean-up. In addition, my father (not retired) does not live at a geographic range that would make him babysitter-friendly. Plus, depending on parents to do daily child rearing and raising seems to be quite a burden to inflict on good ol' grandma and grandpa. My friends also rely on siblings, cousins and aunts and uncles for childcare. I don't have these options available.

3.) Bedtime Stories
I don't sleep well. If I awake during the night--it takes a millennial to get back to sleep. I suffer with regular bouts of insomnia and I imagine having broken sleep for a few years (ages 0-3years old) might interfere with my mood, libido and general life satisfaction levels. I need 10 hours. Not 7. Not 8. Not 9. A solid, hearty 10 hours is my high-functioning sleep number. Just like JLo.

4.) Apathy Aplenty
I never really liked school. I survived school. I don't have a huge interest or passion in repeating the science fair, geometry and dodgeball (OK, I wouldn't have to play dodgeball). I had a tremendous amount of homework even in middle school, so the idea of doing years more studying and learning about useless things--makes me quiver with unease.

5.) Baby Itch
I know many women who get the baby itch start to become fascinated and very intrigued by the world of pregnancy and parenthood--What diaper genie is best? What are some killer swaddling strategies? How do I make organic baby food? Cloth or disposable diapers? Not me. I don't care which charter school has the best principal or the latest stroller release from Bugaboo. I could be lacking a maternal instinct or just have spent too much time with other people's children.

6.) Dollar Bill$
I tend to like to spend money on myself #selfish. I'm inclined to buy things on impulse. I'm a spender, not a saver. I estimate that parenthood is a lot more expensive than it looks and my reckless money habits might not be ideal for such a long-term endeavor.

7.) Adulting Skills
I'm a lousy adult. I don't know how to plunge a toilet. I really don't understand taxes or insurance. I can't write a check without Google. I'm not mature. My brother is three years younger and far more suited to parenthood. He travels for work alone without complaint or panic attacks. He has savings and investments. He owns real estate. I own a really comfortable office chair.

8.) Chaperone, Chauffeur and Captain
Driving long distances gets old fast. Many of my friends have conquered this obstacle by living within a few miles of of school, church, doctors and work but not everyone is so lucky. Adding tons of drive time only creates more life stress, but less time for play/fitness and socializing. And it doesn't take much--just 10 miles of commute time increases the risk of depression.

9.) Idle Time
My husband and I don't have oodles of extra time. Between work, making meals, cleaning, puppy care, working out, adding sparse social outings and errands we have precious few bonus hours. A baby would add to the time crunch, I suspect.  Also, we would likely lose any potential for spontaneous road trips, impromptu vacations or last minute hiking or camping trips.

10.) Noise and Such
Kids need constant attention. Babies cry. Toddlers scream. I enjoy a quiet cup of coffee.

11.) Pajama Probs
I could live in pajamas. Every day. All day. I don't think it would be cool if I kept my little mini-mes in Frozen nightshirts 24/7. I think to have kids is to make an effort. To be presentable. To be clean. To be socially engaged.

12.) Minus the Mary Poppins
I'm not so crafty. I don't enjoy cooking or thinking of new, organic, gluten-free dinner ideas. I lack the  ambition to make cupcake pops and goldfish and grape butterflies. I don't have a cleaning gene that keeps my car neat and tidy or my kitchen spotless. I'm seriously lacking in the Martha (Stewart) and Mary department.

13.) Pregnancy Plus
Being pregnant looks hard. Giving birth looks hard. Breastfeeding looks hard.

14.) Other People Say...
In the last few months, I've heard the following comments about children from other people. "They're a lot of work." "They're stressful creatures." Paraphrasing--"They're a money/patience/leisure drain."
If someone advertised something to you and said it was "great" but also highly stressful, draining and a lot of work--would you be interested??

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