Amy M. Spagnola


StupidCupid47--Online Dating: A Suck Story Continued

Due to the recent popularity of the original post, I'm offering a sneak peek at more of the insights in my future Ebook, SupidCupid47--Online Dating: A Suck Story


To search for love these days is to join the masses of online love seekers caught in a swirling black hole of hope, confusion and one-night stands. The days of searching for a mate in a local community – church, school or work, has long vanished in the rubble of Tinder and Match. There’s no need to ask your aunt to set you up with their neighbor’s young son, just clickity clack on the keyboard and suddenly a swarm of singles are ripe for your choosing.

The problem with online dating---frankly, it sucks. It’s a turd on a trash heap. It’s a parking ticket on a period day. It’s a pink slip on an STD diagnosis. It’s a rank and repugnant second choice for a natural and normal way to meet a stranger turned bedfellow.

But for myself and the other Peter Pans and Polly Pans of the world--delayed finders of career callings and fully realized adulthood, online dating is ALL there is (or was, in my case). It’s everything.

For one, it offers a smorgasbord of selection. A Country Buffet of career climbing social-anxiety ridden and love handicapped millennials. You'll find it all. Desperate ones. Fat ones. Skinny ones. Blonde ones. Tall ones. Married ones. Creepy ones. Drunk ones. Unemployed ones. Short ones.  The choices never end. And for many, this infinite selection of Betties and Baldwins is the perfect antidote to a life spent wallowing in self-pity on the couch in mom’s basement.

The downside? The selection. With all the potential fish, cupid matches and eHarmony pairings, why should a person ever hang up the towel and stop the profile perusing and frenzy of first dates? Many men enjoy the candyland of cooter that is available with little work or effort. There is very little consequence in the world of digital dumping and men can now land in bed with chick after chick and never pay the piper with commitment or heartstrings.

Shallow Waters
And then there’s the visual economics of online dating. Here’s how it goes: if you divide the ratio of the numeric equations of the lowest denominator by the subtracted figure of the…stop…there’s no need for calculations, the plain and simple truth is that ugly people lose. If you have a winning personality, warm disposition, great sense of humor or interesting career, sorry sucker, you’re ugly. Hit the bars and plan to die in Lonelytown, population one.

While many online daters aren’t looking for Kate Upton or Bradley Cooper, it’s often challenging to find that nice-looking person who also wants a nice-looking person when the few floozies (big boobs McGee) and hunks (body fat: zero, personality: zero) are getting all the emails. Sad emoticon. 

Apples and Oranges
Online dating has no referees. There are no coaches. Nobody is watching and monitoring and can warn you that you’re about to go out with a stalker or a serial cheater or a liar or an alcoholic. In this sense, online dating is a giant gamble and one that is fraught with tragedy. Case study #1: A girl likes a guy’s pictures (no one actually reads profiles, right?)--he plays guitar, works in computers and loves puppy dogs. Perfect. #futurehusband. Hold your horses there Bridget Jones…this dude also failed to mention that he dropped out of college, hates his mom with a passion and loves a good old-fashioned romantic cemetery picnic. #bigmistake

The Case of the Missing Men
Next, the ratios are all screwed up. Successful and educated women are finding it harder and harder to find successful and educated dudes. My friends are a perfect example. I can think of five single female friends in their late 20s and early 30s and they have jobs and are extremely educated. I can think of NO single guys. But what is with the dude scarcity? How and why are all the men taken or trolls? Seriously…what gives? It makes a girl want to move to Alaska or at least glance at Alaskan cruises on Travelocity. Maybe some single men are intimidated by online dating or they’ve been betrothed to someone else forever or they just don’t want to risk rejection. A well-educated, smart, successful, attractive, single man is akin to finding a Kardashian without Spanx. Impossible.

Mommy? Daddy? Drunky?
Another pitfall of online dating is that matches are really random. I didn’t realize how many varying personalities (or disorders) existed until I threw my hat into the world of cyber courtship. An introvert doesn’t work with an extrovert (even if he’s cute and has a rad apartment). A vegan won’t be the best fit for a hunter with a penchant for taxidermy. An adverture-aholic won’t be a good bet for a homebody. There are so many generation Y-ers caught at a crossroads of wanting to have a secure, stable family while still wanting to binge on margaritas and sleep in until 2pm on Saturday.

The hard part is that it’s pretty black and white—you can remain a perennial student/partier/part-time waiter or you can be a full-time corporate drone/family man/grocery buyer. There is no gray area. You can’t raise a kid and be at the midnight Mumford and Sons concert. Something has to give.

Chasing Clouds
Most or many online daters find that the thrill of discarding and do-overs is enticing wherein they themselves are constantly changing, starting over and redrafting future plans, career goals and dreams. Travel, career dissatisfaction, friend/family dynamics and financial issues can stress the system even more. Why would an engineer who wants to be a teacher also want to get married and settle down? Nope. He has to revise his whole career trajectory, start over academically and professionally, and then, maybe, be ready for the problems and perks of starting a family many years from now. In the interim, said dude will online date and feign being a committed man seeking his future Mrs. (i.e. he’ll booty call you).

Male Biological Clocks
Men are also fertile forever meaning their desire and drive to stabilize is less of a guiding force in their life decisions roadmap or on Plenty of Fish. As my one friend bluntly said to me the other day, “Your eggs are drying up.” No man has ever heard, “Your sperm is losing motility and is decreasing in quantity” (which is true for any aging man). Men have a deadline for creating healthy offspring, just like their female counterparts (i.e. the chance of autism increases five-fold if a man is over 40 and the odds of his partner becoming pregnant is nearly two years for a gent in his fourth decade in life) but there is less pressure and imperative for them to put a ring on it, societally and culturally.

The Good Ones Are Taken
Sure, there are single, available, attractive and successful men over 30 who are on the dating market, but the reality is that unless they’ve had a life hiatus (military, overseas travel, graduate school, etc), odds are they aren’t still single. The tramps, hook-up artists, man boys and life failures are always available. Nice, good looking, family-oriented, loving and caring men want stable and monogamous unions and are drawn to creating them; the older a guy gets and remains unmarried is a waving RED flag. Not that it’s impossible to find them, but these unicorn men are rarer and rarer. This is why there are books devoted to landing a man after age 35. “The high-commitment phase for a man is between 28 and 33 for college-educated men. And at age 38, the chances a man will ever commit drop dramatically….A woman should start seriously looking for a husband in her late twenties…the pool of men shrinks with time.” (Source).

Beauty and the Beast
In my opinion, there are just more attractive women than men. Hello Charlize Theron and Sean Penn! Studies have actually confirmed this crazy phenomenon. There are more Megan Foxes and fewer Channing Tatums in the world. In addition, society puts far greater pressure on women to be attractive, thin, wear makeup and be coiffed and groomed. In all likelihood, women will invest more time and money into beautyifying and attracting the opposite sex, which means they will be devoted to clear skin, good diets, vitamins and salon appointments.

No comments