Magic Mike might have been known for his stripper dance moves and heart of gold (not to mention “magic wand”), but perhaps his stage name was derived less from his advanced thrust capabilities and more from his bedroom tricks. Every guy wants to be “like Mike” and perform a little magic in the bedroom. Guys expect their women to be begging for more as they implement their favorite moves from YouPorn or a saucy Netflix movies involving naked girls and zombies (or alligators…don’t ask). Oftentimes, these moves fall flat.
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To be fair, the female O is surrounded by fables, folklore and fiction, and that makes it difficult for any wannabe magician to know if his favorite moves are getting the job done. Luckily, there are proven ways to tell if she’s pulling a Meg Ryan or REALLY enjoying herself. Here are a few of the top tips to decipher if your girl is getting a gold medal in the O-lympics.
1.) She Makes Sense
If she can rattle off lots of “Oh, Gods” as if she’s suddenly become an animated preacher in a Baptist church, she’s probably doing the fake-and-shake.
The Real Deal: She’s muttering, moaning and not making any sense. If she’s sputtering more nonsense than Gary Busey from Celebrity Apprentice (apologies for the ugly visual) she’s making it to O-Town.140040135
2.) She is Smooch Happy
The Real Deal: A girl on the verge of a sac-tacular home run will not be playing kissy face; she’ll be contorting her face and body in all kinds of funky directions. The O-most girl will be concentrating and avoiding the foreplay recap of nuzzling and kissing.
3.) She is Gorgeous
The Real Deal: A girl likes to look pretty for her man, but she can’t help the Shrek face that befalls her when she’s about to come. Picture: weird eyes, twitching, crazy hair, gaping mouth and/or lip biting. It ain’t pretty.
4.) She is Sweat-Free and Steady
The Real Deal: Clammy, red, flushed and shaking are all hot and heavy signs. If she’s perfectly still and looks like she hasn’t visited the gym recently, you’ve probably suffered a fake out.
For a little extra credit, take a look at these famous or infamous orgasm scenes from the big screen.
  • Kristin Bell riding Russell Brand like a pony  in Forgetting Sarah Marshall
  • Jennifer Aniston going all whack-job in Horrible Bosses
  • Angelina Jolie making bath time extra wet in Original Sin
  • Katherine Heigl having an extra sweet dinner in The Ugly Truth
 
Amy Headshot Amy Spagnola lives in Broomfield, Colorado and never gets tired of coconut frozen yogurt. She seeks style scores wherever she travels—including Iceland, Egypt, Russia and Venezuela. She holds a Master’s degree in journalism and has released a book on cyber shopping; she loves playing Lois Lane when she’s not in yoga class or showing off her ping pong skills. See more of Amy’s writing at: www.amyspagnola.com